I am still laughing my ass off =P pagal hou tum log <3

Go here =)

FUN =D

 And its OK, really =)

See?

Sometimes, you wish there existed a parallel universe where you could disappear off to within the blink of an eye. Just like in Avatar. New life, new people, new everything.

Sometimes, you wish you could control your future. Write your own destiny, make your own fate. You wish you could go back in time, undo a few things done or a few words said. You wish life was just a bit easier or you were a lil stronger.

Sometimes, you hope that everything works out like you want it to. And you wish it will all your heart, like you've never wished for anything else. Sometimes, things get fucked up.

You wish they'd understand, not put you down, take you a lil seriously, try a lil harder. Just like you. But sometimes, that doesn't happen. You wish they'd sit down and think, once or maybe twice. Sometimes they realize, sometimes they don't. You wish you could face the fact that it may be time. But sometimes, you just can't.

Sometimes, all you wanna do is be alone.

Don't underestimate the love in me

I'ts obvious these feelings run so deep

I fall apart for you, day after day

Nobody else could ever take your place

You don't have to waste your time and worry

you don't have to look for reassurance

coz clearly, you're the only one

that's getting this and i don't need

nobody else.

I'm not letting this go too soon

coz I can't get enough

why are you asking how much?

it's way more than you can handle

have you ever felt so enamored?

that's how much i love you.

And my arms will ache, and my heart will wait

though I know there's no use

I'll be a fool when life gets cruel

coz I'll always love you.

I once thought, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you 

How many times can i break till I shatter? Is it worth it, this thing that i'm after? There's always hope, I said to myself always. Always.

Oh look, somebody just broke a glass over at my neighbors. Perfect timing, you guys.

I'm okay. No I don't mean it. It's fucked up. Yes I just swore coz life just wont stop screwing everything up for me. What I don't get is, of all the people, why me?

Oh wait, I know why. Just coz I have faith. I have faith, that everything turns out alright in the end. Well guess what, it doesn't. Thank you for that slap on my face. Honoured.

Can you believe the idiot I am? There's still some hope left in me. Even though I totally believe in bad luck, I still think that it isn't the end until you've stopped trying.
And so, it's not the end yet. Turn that car around, coz once again, it's back to where to it started.

*grabs a bag of popcorn

Let's see how far my bad luck can screw up my life.

I remember reading this out during a class assembly at school, and everyone clapping and teachers coming to me asking who wrote it. Sigh. So its not only a really good read, but also brings back memores =)

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less; we plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes, but lower morals; we have more food, but less appeasement; we build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology has brought this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference, or to just ignore..

Dr.Bob Moorehood

She yelled after him, begged him to stop. But he was already out of earshot. She fell on her knees, and sobbed uncontrollably. What? How? Why? these questions kept shooting back at noone but herself. She was drowning. Drowning in a puddle of mysteries. The worst part was the unknown. She didn't have a clue why she was suddenly lying on the pavement, left all alone.

Withered, lost, lonely, and left to die. Did it really matter, though? The brown haired man who had taught her to live had abandoned her. He had taken with him, every ounce of faith, hope and love that he had ever instilled in her. What was now left of her was a lifeless, immobile body.

She couldn't seem to muster the strength to even budge an inch. She sobbed, as on-lookers shot her worried, pitiful looks. She didn't care. She was oblivious to everything around her. Her tear soaked pink face, unkempt hair  that blurred her eyes, and a white flannel shirt that showed signs of scraped blood. The stench was unbearable.

I just HAD to blog again.

18 november 2009. Day of surprises for Nobia Parker. Sigh.

After what happened (refer prev post) on twitter, I tagged along with bhabi for shopping at centrepoint mall. ( you don't need telling twice =P) and guess what? 40% off at Splash, Max, and Shoe Mart. Sighhh. I bought 3 tshirts and these really delicate slippers. I am so hyper!!

I got home and when Sanjana added me on Facebook, i realized she knows my good friend/mooh bola bhai Nabil Mukadam. No, seriously. Tell me you people. Isn't this just. a bit. just a wee bit. TOO WEIRD?

somebody lend me some crack.

EDIT 1: and now its RAINING! in NOVEMBER! =S

No seriously, how often does it happen that you become friends with someone completely random and they turn out to be your classmate from that li'l tiny unheard-of school you used to go to?

NEVER.

But here you go. It happened to me. Sanjana Sharma, this amazing female I met on Twitter.com. I know her for more than a month now. Who would've known that she could possibly have even heard of Holy Cross High School, Kurla? I mean, what are the odds right?

But siiigh. Life's strangely, funnily amazing at times. I was podcasting about my childhood when i happened to mention HCHS. All it took Sanjana was to listen to that podcast. and We went hyper-crazy trying to guess which batch we were both from.

And she uploads this 2nd grade pic, which solved it all.

Sigh. I know, i'm chubby. but i'm cute! =P But just look at the wonders of social networking! I started HYPERventilating when i saw the picture! I haven't seen this pic in like, what, 13 years?

This was followed by me and her fumbling to remember people and things from back then. Aahhh noone will EVER really understand how this feels. =D except sanjana ;)

To @SanjanaSharma , I wish we both were a li'l social-er at that time and actually knew each other! That would've been out of this world. But so is this. This by-chance walla coincidence, i am loving it.

You know how I feel!

*Squeals with joy*

Almost like kumbh ke meley mein bichhdey hue sathi! ;)

x

39.7 degrees celsius. boy, i was hot.

*munches on cloves*

Strangely, it doesn't taste all that bad anymore. If it as much as kills the sharp pricky-ness in my throat, it works for me.

Ever felt like you were going to choke your lungs out into your lap? Or rather, wished that it would happen so the coughing would end? Maybe not. Not a nice feeling though, i'll bet on that.

I actually felt like I was going to die. The only thing that kept me in the 'real world' was my neighbor's murga.
I used the word cock, and then I backspaced it. And ermm yes, mentioning that was unnecessary.

Ahm, so anyway. I was almost going to complain to them about how loud it was and that I couldn't sleep, but I didn't. And now, it pays back by being the one thing that kept me sane.

Oh and guess what? nobody called me =( I haven't SPOKEN for 2 entire days. I was trying to podcast but I kept messing everything up. I feel SO disconnected right now. Sigh, So much for concerned friends >__>

Oh well, Hello once 'gain, real world!

P.S- After publishing this, i thought this post should totally be renamed as 'murga'. =D and so i hereby declare myself a vegan. Not.

Whats that light i see here
is that a ray during my night
through my clouds
i see rainbows
a dash of colour in my white
oh how easily you are mislead
dont believe what you see
they say
and nothing is what it seems
they say
and they are right.
and i know this is my imagination
a mirage
you have been gone forever
and are never coming back
you have been gone too long

my love

so long, that you've left me
with no choice but to believe
that this may well be the end
but if you're back
i would never be able to
resist,
and i wouldn't be able to
accept.
So let me be, don't drag me
to this fork in my path
for i cant seem to go on now
with, or without you.

Anyone can become angry, but to be angry with the right person,
to the right degree at the right time with the right purpose and in the right way. That, is not possible.

Apparently, the average person spends 30 years of his life being angry. Think about it, its true. Every time you're pissed at someone, you're wasting away your time and energy when you could, instead, make good use of it. Laugh, smile, feel good and be happy.

I had a major fight with my mum yesterday. I know, what's new right, we're always arguing. But yesterday was something else.Mum hates technology and everything to do with it. I was discussing project and she started complaining about cellphones. I was typing out my assignment when she started lecturing me about spending too much time over the computer. I had too much on my head going on and I actually snapped at her and told her to go away =/ she got mad, and you can guess the rest.

After a while, lying on my bed with my blanket over my face, sulking over the whole thing, I wondered. I wondered how it'd be like, if I hadn't got angry at that point. It wouldn't have come to this. I would've saved us both the torture, the drama. What if I had just smiled at her, and told her that I'll try talking a lil less on the phone, and spend a lil less time over the computer. It would've been much easier, and I wouldn't have had to be that way to mum. Mums, afterall, aren't mums if they dont bicker =P But no, being the lousy sourpuss that I am, I had to snap back.

I am usually a very peaceful person. No kidding, ask anyone. That does NOT mean I don't get angry. It simply means that I don't let my anger boil up and result in chaos. Except when I lose it, like yesterday. And I hate myself for that.

Think. Think about all the times you were mad about silly, trivial things. When you fought with your friend coz they talked behind your back, or with your boyfriend coz he won't give you time. With your mom coz of her constant bickering or with your dad coz he won't get you a new cellphone.
I believe, everything has a reason. And it probably wasn't even worth getting pissed at. How many times have you got angry and later realized it was completely pointless? We are almost, always wrong in judging people. Like the quote said, we can never be rightfully angry with the right person to the right extent in the right way. There is ALWAYS a solution. Trust me.
And even if its not justified, why not think of it from a different perspective?

Like, I think everybody has a bit of good and bad in them. Nobody is perfect, unless ofcourse, you're superman.

Imagine. Imagine rewinding your life and replacing every pissed off moment with a laugh. Sounds like a pretty wonderful life to me. No frowns, just smiles. No bitching, no talking back, no ego. No terrorists, no blasts, no innocent lives lost. No war and no violence. A small, happy, innocent world. Do I sound like Gandhi?

So anyway, all you lovely people, just only, give it a try. Smile when somebody is annoying the hell out of you, and make peace, not war. Love more and hate less, as DeeDee would put it. Here's all my lou, to all you sweethearts.

'Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were'. -Cherie Scott

It's your call. :-)

So you ask, 'what's new?'
Nothing has changed, ever since you left.

Are you happy to hear that?

Nothing has changed, alas
to this day,
I am in your hands.

It's been so long without you. So long, and I still haven't got used to not seeing your bright smile every morning. The smile that would paint me a pretty rainbow and chase away the clouds in my pretty sky. Your hoarse laugh that would force a giggle out of me inspite of myself. The face that made my day.

It seems like only yesterday when you were here, your arms wrapped securely, almost protectively, as if to shield me from as much as a ray of sunlight that would bother me. With you, sweetheart, I felt warm and peaceful, blissful and content. The cradle of your steady arms was my home.

How can you, my love, blame me for being so oblivious to the wordly chatter? to everything around me.. the sun appearing and vanishing at the horizon, the stars that have witnessed my solitary, liquid-eyed nights, and butterflies that promise to convey my message to you. 

You cant. Because all I ever see is your face and all i can ever pick up is your voice and yours only. 

I am not demented,honey. Can i help it if my lucidity is confined to anything that's only even remotely related to you? 

Goes without saying, that i'll be waiting for you, for ever. Waiting for you to begin to realize that these are not mere words but my heart wrapped up in vows that you seem to have chosen to bury down. I hold my hand against my heart and promise you that there will be no other. You are the love of my existence.

I will wait for you, darling. Till I fade away into the mist. Until all that remains of me are ashes. But my soul, will never cease to stop loving you. 

No, I am not unhappy. I can feel the warmth of my tears around my cheeks, but my eyes, they're silly. Don't they know anything at all?

my post was going to be about my birthday but right now i cant be bothered. I want to stay locked up in my room lying on my bed with my comforter pulled up over my face. I want to close my eyes and go into hibernation for a good 100 years. I dont want anything to do with anyone at the moment. I'm exhausted with everyone. I'm tired of myself.

Hide me.

I'm so tired of being alive,

I can't seem to find the strength to survive

suppressed are all my emotional fears

i still love you, after all these years

I was captivated by your resonating life

I feel caged without your love by my side

sanity has left me but I cant seem to let you go

though I know i cant have you, not anymore..

You would always read through me like an open book

Unfreeze me, from the coldness to which I'm hooked

you opened my eyes to everything, you were my sun..

conjure my spirit again, and bid my blood to run..

Bring me back to life,

arrest me, from harming myself,

bring me back to life and breathe into me..

Pretty morning. With cramps gone and sunlight pouring in from my huge window [curtains are on their way to the laundry], I call it a lovely start to the day.

I have so much shopping left to do! I still need to get some accessories. Bracelets, rings, the works, to go with my Eid outfit. I'm gonna get my shalwar kameez from the tailor today though =D Oh Great God please let there not be any weird fitting problems.
I'm thinking of doing my mehndi myself this time.

La la la la okay what? I have nothing else to write. Just bored. And i'm mad at someone. >.<

Btw, someone just tweeted a quote that says 'What you least expect is usually what you get.' Interesting. I should stop expecting. Infact I already have. From now. I am not expecting my dress to fit perfectly, and I am not expecting my hair to not throw a tantrum or go flat on Eid.
I am not expecting 'someone' to explain themselves. AND I am not expecting comments here. =P

Okay I'm out. Meri bakwass khatam nahi hogee.

Molly: I love you.
Sam: Ditto.

Molly: I love you, I really love you.
Sam: Ditto.

Sam: I love you Molly, I always have.
Molly: Ditto.

I'm Henry the 8th I am. Henry the 8th I am I am. I got married to the widow next door. She's been married seven times before.

RIP Patrick Swayze.

Sam: It's amazing Molly. The love inside, you take it with you.

Tell me my friend, did you ever see
Bananas growing on banana tree?
Well you may see seven or you may see three
But you'll never see one alone

Just count one banana, two banana
One for me and one for you banana
Count three or four or even more banana
But banana can't grow alone

Well Miss Banana, she's a pretty sight
She wear a yellow dress in the bright sunlight
She got her friends and neighbors to the left and right
Cuz banana can't grow alone

 The song is stuck in my head! Back to the good old sesame street phase. Thanks to rijawjaw aka elmo. =D
  Mum is SO CUTE. I still remember her exasperated expression when me and my brother used to annoy the crap out of her with this song =P

I'm craving banana milkshake. Which reminds me, yesterday my chachi sent over some banana pudding. It wasn't really the most scrumptuous thing ever. After going through the torture of a teaspoonful i HAD to get my banana louwe <3 back. So i made me banana milkshake. It tasted like something i cannot express in words. I marvelled at me.
I hereby declare myself the best banana milkshake maker ever. And now i'm craving it again. So yeah, its back to where i started.

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling unusually wise today. Like i should be taking care of everybody around me. Act all mommy like. But then again, i have always been that way. Its a libran trait. I still haven;t got my wisdom teeth yet though :( I'm sad.

No, not really =)

Soo, my last day at work is officially gonna come to an end in approximately one hour and 20 minutes. I really have nothing to do right now, except feel the glory of..umm freedom? of a whole week off, with nothing to do except shop shop shop, closing in on me. I can already feel it. Manama, gear up for nobia's crazy out of this world shopping spree!

Such a beautiful day. Not coz its my last day of work [well yeah that's part of it. a three quarters of it infact] but yeah, it feels goood. I'm counting the number of highlighter thingies on my desk right now for some reason. They're so colorful :D

Its so difficult to concentrate on what I'm writing with Jason Mraz on loud volume.

"Nothing's gonna stop me but divine intervention, I reckon its again my turn..to win some or learn some.."

I wanna watch this movie called 'The Time Traveler's Wife'. Hasn't come out here yet. But I can't wait, I really wanna watch it. The teaser looks nice! Another thing i can't wait for? Graduation.
But yeah like THAT's gonna happen anytime soon. Sigh. Another year to go!

"Well open up your eyes and see like me, open up your plans and damn you're free."

Another 20 and something days and it's my birthday. ONCE AGAIN. Sigh. I don't like them. I mean I used to, but they're not fun anymore. Especially when it reminds you that you need to buck up and be responsible, being an adult and yada yaddi coz you're friggn not a teenager anymore.
So how does that feel? a thwack on your face and your ears keep ringing 'twenty..twenty one..twenty two..'

I miss being 17. I know i've already said that a million zillion gazillion , um a large number of times, but I can't help it. It was the best year of my life. There were no heartbreaks, no sadness, no unwanted cliche'd drama. Just fun and frolicky nobia.

I miss that. All you seventeeners, rija, urrfa and whoever is reading this, I totally envy you. And Rija this post is definitely dedicated to you. =>

"It's your godforsaken right to be loved, loved, loved."

You're so right Jason Mraz. I totally entirely, um wholefully agree with you. Everyone has a right to be loved!

You there, you li'l 7 year old wearing rags for clothes and balancing an oversized tray of chaay ke glasses. And you, you 70 something old person living off the mercy of an old age home coz your children are jackasses with no heart.

You, li'l random newborn who's parents left you in a bin coz they just realized they could do without you, or who's daddy left your mommy after satisfying their hormonal urges. You, who's children are stubborn and spoilt and you, who's parents are too occupied to even notice your tear-soaked pillow.

You, who's oh-so depressed with life and who thinks there's nothing worth living for anymore, and you, who is sad that noone believes that a boogie monster is hiding under your bed. Cheer up, sweetheart, that green monster isn't going to get to you, ever. Promise.

"There's no need to complicate, our time is short, this is our fate.."

And you, reading my blog. Consider yourself loved. Everybody deserves a hug. Good, bad, who's the judge here?
Not me.

"So I won't hesitate, no more, no more..It cannot wait..

I'm yours.

"

I have made a vow to myself to never be depressed again. Its stupid and lame, being depressed all the time. I should be happy more often. or maybe ALL the time.and take everything on a positive note uknw?

My phupa passed away this morning. Inna lillahi wa inna illayhi raji'un. Its sad, but atleast he's at a better place. He was paralyzed for a week and now he'll suffer no more. They say its a good thing, a sort of a blessing to die in Ramzan. May Allah grant him jannat. Everyones sad, but phupa was old, it was his time and thats how much God wanted him to live.
And as the dua goes, " We are from God, and unto him is our return".

He was a great person. A sailor back in his youth, he travelled all round the world and spoke around 15 languages including some native african ones =P He was amazing, always full of joy and that's what he was well known for. I'll miss you phupa!

Soo, anyway. I am not sad. I wont be. I am not happy that he's no longer here, but I'm okay, really. 

I was listening to an old song today, save tonight by eagle eye cherry. Also the OST of A lot like love. Sigh, brought back fond memories. 

=)  Later

Nope, don't have those anymore! I'm just a random girl with random thoughts who doesn't care about anything at the moment.

I wish i knew how to get high lol. But who am i kidding, I'm too coward for that. :( Maybe i should just make sherbat and put barrels of sugar in it and get high :P

Dr Koller my boss is offering me a permanent job at CPISP :O. Seriously :D But after graduating ofcourse :( wish i could just skip college and work instead!

Ahhh it feels soo goodddd to just stop expecting anything! Nothing can ever hurt you if you don't expect anything. I wanna dance to Sexy Bitch by David Guetta ft Akon :P I have officially gone bonkers.

But shhh. I like it coz it doesn't hurt :)

Half a pound of tuppenny rice
Half a pound of treacle
Mix it up and make it nice
Pop! goes the weasel.

<3 Sidney Sheldon- Tell me your dreams.

What am I supposed to do when you dont want it anymore
There's nothing I can say now that it's nothing like before.

I've had it with almost everything in my life. Had it with trying to be nice all the time. There's no place for nice people here. I feel like I'm being nice at the expense of my self respect. There's this line yeah, this limit to how much one can compromise.

And you still get nothing back.

As much as it was dear to I, the past is what is gone
As much as I rather would, there's no sense
in holding on.

I'm just trying to make myself feel better. I know i'll always hold on to my past.

"What our contempts do often hurl from us; We wish it ours again."

I wish I could rewind to being 17 again.

My horoscope said that I should expect writer's block today.

So I'm not going to try and prove it wrong but just sleep instead.

:P

The magic is gone forever. I wonder if its me who killed it.

I still remember the rainy nights when you'd look up at the sky and kiss the rain. And then in a moment of euphoria you would grab me by my waist and waltz on the sidewalk. Your lovely black suit with your red tie and my white dress would get soaked and muddy and yet we'd laugh our hearts out when we splashed into the puddles.
You're right, this was a dream. One of the many dreams I was desperate to make true.

Now, sitting by the window I can't help but notice how bright the moonlight is. Like an invitation to walk out the door and dance in the middle of the street in slow motion. But the night doesn't seem to know that you are no longer here. Not with me, and not in my dreams. Why won't it stop staring at me like that?

I can't even begin about how I miss you. How I miss everything about you, your smile, your eyes, your warm hands. Your stern fatherly lecturing and you're reassuring look when I made a booboo.

Who killed the magic sweetheart?

As much as I hate to admit to myself, I guess you're not coming back now. I cant help but have a lil ounce of faith and wait on a miracle. I miss you, you knew me more than myself.
You were the only one. You were.

Can i have this last dance with you?

Its funny how I've never asked for anything of anyone and yet I've lost everything. I really haven't. I look back and I realize that there is nothing I wouldn't do for a stranger, let alone my own friends. But I guess I'm not even allowed to have an opinion. Opinions hurt bigtime. I can't really believe it. It was like this blazing, raging storm that wooshed across my life and everything was over.
Nothing's left. No space for understanding, forgiveness, and old times. Years of laughter and a night of storm.

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head.

I have never called such important people all my life. I can't believe they trust me so much :P I mean seriously, today I called up the crown prince's manager, who's the next important person, after the prince himself.
I was supposed to talk to his secretary/ies, but 2 of them were on leave and the substitute didnt have a clue. So they transferred me to his personal line and I was talking to him :O. I was a nervous wreck honestly. I fumbled up my words and I forgot to even mention where I'm calling from. And instead of going, 'Crown prince's international scholarship program', I went like 'Crown prince's scholarship international. Then added a 'programme'. Sigh. He was like I cannot understand :P haha .
But he's such a sweet man. He laughed and he went, are you new? I was like yeah, I'm just an intern. I went on with the invitation, without any further mistakes, thank god.

I love it though, I love calling up people, specially when they have so much power. Its fun. I know you'll probably be like, how sad is she but lemme tell you i have never worked before all my life. I have never been in an office, i didn't know what a fax machine looks like. So its all really new and exciting for me :P [don't mock my moment]

There's going to be a graduation ceremony tomorrow, where the prince is gonna b e there himself. I dont know if i'll be allowed to attend it :P but i sure hope so. Ahh okay enough of blabberyness i'll just get back to erm..dont know, bubye :D

Sooo finally it's my first day at work. Even though i thought i'd be doing something more interesting, I'm stuck here doing labels for files. But yeah, Mr. Ronald, the really sweet old American dude, the man i'm working under, has promised to help me assist him in handling public events and work on their yearly magazine as sub editor! yayy me.

Every hour there are students coming in. Today is supposedly a 'visit day' where students come to meet the people who changed their lives.
Erm let me start from the beginning.

Crown Prince's Scholarship program, its really amazing. The Crown Prince of Bahrain Sh Salman, he's built this fund sort of thing, and this programme, it selects 10 students (lets call them scholars since the minimum required cgpa is 97%). They let these students choose their university, in the UK, USA or France. They provide them with the funds, allowances, accomodation, and continuous support.
If only I was that smart :( I'd always wanted to attend Yale or Princeton. They sound so classyyy :P

So yeah, the students who have graduated, they keep coming in here on the visit days to meet Mr Ron and Kathleen and Asmat ..sigh, I wish I wasn't just an intern.

Its just 10:15 :( I came in at 8 30 and finished all the file labelling stuff, and 'm bored while these people chat over coffee with those smartpants. :@ 4 hours to go..sigh.

वाह ब्लॉगर हिन्दी में। क्या बात है। आई ऍम लोविन इत्।

चलो जो भी हो। मुझे यह कहना था कि अभी ज़िन्दगी जिस मोड़ पर है, वहां से निकलने का कोई रास्ता नही दिखाई देता।
मैंने कभी सपने में नही सोचा था कि जिस इंसान को मैंने इतना प्यार किया, वोह ऐसा करेगा मेरे साथ।शायद उसकी भी गलती नही पर क्या इसका मतलब यह हुआ कि मेरी कोई एहमियत नही? क्या मैं कुछ नही लगती?
ऊपर से यह दानिश। पता नही इसको भी क्या होगया।
सभी जैसे अजनबी होगए हैं मेरे लिए। मैं जाऊं तो भी कहाँ? कहाँ जाकर मुह मारून? किसको अपनी बोरिंग कहानी सुनाऊं?
मुझे अब इधर नही रहना। कहीं दूर जाकर सबकुछ और सबको भुलाना है।
वाट एवर।

I officially no longer depend on any of my friends to stick around. I don't give a shit anymore and you can please go effing die.
I am off to umrah soon, I can't wait for it. I don't like my life right now, and i need a break. I need an friggn change. Yeah i know i said i hate change but screw you. I need a change.
One good thing though. End sems are finally over and i'm sort of yes and no looking forward to my 2 month holiday. I'll miss my seniors a lot. Simi, kanika, ruby, tuba, lakshmi, silna, emad, preeth, anita, archana, vanessa, darsh, mukesh, jameela, nadia, n bilal, rohit, sunmeet, samantha, etc etc etc.
College is gonna be really, really boring without these people.
Another thing?
I no more have to wake up early, and for two months there's not going to be those 5 minutes where it's so friggin hard to decide if i should wake up or just skip class that day. Whatevs, later.
x

So after a week of slogging exams finally started. Cost a/c wasn't all that bad today, but not too great and i'm not happy. Most of my class, they all screwed up and that makes me feel a lil better =p anyway, glad that's over, can chill for a bit now.

f.o.r tomorrow. stoopid lpp sums are confusing but w/e manageable i guess. i hope it goes well and they don't end up asking questions that are out of syllabus, yet againn. thanks to habiba :P:P for helping me out with maximisation sums today over msn. if vogel's method comes i am soo gonna screw up.

faraz and juvy are going out now :) yay for them. they are soo adorable together, mashallah. more on that later, i need to practice this annoying theory of games problem.
anyway, back to work.
x

Why do we have friends? Seriously. I don't mind being alone rather than having friends who only want to be with you when you're hyper and bubbly and they want to laugh at your jokes. Even those people who you trust to actually genuinely want to be there for you, well yeah they genuinely don't like sharing your pain. They run away like you've got the plague.

Wait, what is a friend?
friend: a person you know well and regard with affection and trust.
but sometimes you wonder if you really know your friends. And are they worth regarding them with your trust?

I'm the kind of person who will generally not let out or discuss her problems with anyone, not even close friends. Noone knows what crap I have to go through every single day and that every moment in my life is a living hell. Fake smile, fake happiness, it always works in betraying the world.
And even in doing so, when I really, really need to vent, when I need some advice, when I can't just depend on my instinct and writing a blog doesn't necessarily help as much as a warm hug would, I don't have anywhere to go.
Some of the people I considered my closest friends, they are only so interested in my problems that at the faintest hint that I'm gonna break down, there's that important phonecall, that appointment, their mum shouting, their PC getting hanged, I don't wanna go on.

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth going out of your way to help someone when they wouldn't do the same for you. As much I have heard the cliche Give more expect less, I also think that's just easier said than done. I am NOT a saint and I don't have a heart made of gold that's up for charity. Even though I don't really expect anyone to be always there for me, when you really, really need someone, you expect them to be there for atleast that moment. To just give you a few consoling words. To smile at you and tell you that everything is going to be okay. And to just shut up for a moment and really listen to you. Is that too much to ask for?

Everytime I thought about how fake the world is but thanked god coz I have amazingly true faithful friends, I always got thwacked in the face for living a surreal world..like a hypothetical drama with hypothetical characters and unreal life where everyone just really loves you.

Yknow why I'm really, really mad? Maybe coz loneliness sucks. I have to face the fact that no matter how many people there are around me who claim to be true to me and say that they love me and maybe even mean it, I am always going to be alone. There isn't anyone, not one single effing person who has been to that li'l place deep down inside of me where there's this empty space..almost like vaccuum, its dark and..and its untouched.

What in the world am I ranting about right. I'm not really sure. Maybe it's 'change'. I hate change. It sucks. Change should effing stop being permanent and go throw itself off a cliff. and DIE. Why does everything change? Why do people change? Cant everything just be like it was when it was all good and everyone was happy? Nooo, everything has to get messed up. and you suddenly feel like you don't know the people that you thought you knew so well. Also, they should make a rule that your friends cannot get closer to your other friends than you. Its like, you do soo much for them, and then at some point, you're not good enough to deserve their time.
It's annoying as hell. And you can't just pretend that things weren't good. It's like they make you get used to them being there for you and then whoosh, they're gone with the wind (lack of a better/original phrase). And (I was going to add something here but I really forgot what I was going to say). Its just hardly fair.

So you know what, what I'm gonna do now?.. I don't know. FTW? =/
I need some redbull.

Fontanete Pumps by Christian Louboutin.

It's not fair that they have to be so gorgeous and yet so madly priced that I can only dream of them. 780 dollars for a pair of shoes. Does Warren Buffet have a son or a grandson about my age?

Anyone who really knows me, HAS to know how crazy i am about pasta. Specially from Mrs.Vanelli's. Can't be compared to anything else! I have to agree its much fattening, so I usually tend to limit my helpings.
BUT, when my neighbor Pepsi aunty [with a really cute dalmation called 'brownie'] gave me their recipe, can you blame me for ignoring the call [pleas,rather] of my current fad diet? =P
Alfredo sauce, tomato sauce, CHEESE, chicken, mushrooms, olives, pasta. I fall in love over and over again.
I made. AT HOME. And it turned out exactly like the original. I spent 8 dinars [for ingredients] and 4 hours in the kitchen for this thing. Not to mention I burnt 2 fingers on my left hand. I know it sounds crazy that when I could have just headed over to city centre and got it for just 2.5 bucks plus a salad, also not needing to ice my fingers all the time, I choose to labor away like nuts.
But wait, there's a reason. They have Vanelli's only in Bahrain and Qatar. What if I happen to settle elsewhere? India?
I cannot compromise and I simply refuse to substitute it with any other pasta sauce/recipe.
Everyone at home loved it, had second helpings and Dad even asked me to reheat it today for lunch.
I'm such an awesome cook =D
[I'm not sharing my recipe with anyone]

x

I figured since I couldn't wish him the way I wanted to, I'd atleast do this much for him. He's the one who convinced me to start a blog here anyway. And coz, surprisingly, I have never dedicated a blogpost to him.

I met Danish, I'm guessing, around 7-8 years back through a common friend and I still remember how we gelled instantly and talked for hours at an end. How we talked about every random thing and even agreed on it. How I would wait to talk to him because he was so cool and so much fun!

We've had so many downs and ups in our friendship. There would always be something that would come in between and ruin stuff. There were times when I felt like I didn't know him at all, or I wasn't even sure if he existed anymore. Then there were also times when I hated him more than anyone else because of ..stuff.
And then at one point, we never talked. I was closer to other people and didn't really understand the value of the stuff which i already had.
But you know what, what made it all worth it, is the time I realized that the best way to keep a friend is to be one yourself and not expect too much yknow?
To Danish,
Thanks for being there for me!

Today as you turn 20, I want to make sure that you know I'll always be your number one fan, and maybe someday, your manager too ;
To our awesome friendship, forever..I'm quoting shakespeare =D

"To me, fair friend, you can never be old;
For as you were when first your eye I eyed,
Such seems your beauty still."

Happy Birthday Dashin!!