Dear Diary,

What I have seen in the past few days cannot actually be put into words and this is merely just giving it a shot. It's not easy to describe how you feel when you're locked up inside your house in your own country, with a complete warzone outside. Gunshots, explosions, choppers, chants, screams. Fear. Living in constant fear that a wandering bullet might reach your doorstep, or a loved one. Trying to zone out from the racket outside by playing loud music on your headphones. Constantly telling yourself to quit googling for updates just so you remain at peace for the next few minutes thinking that everything is alright.

It got better, of course. There's no more violence. There's peace in the country and yet, not in the mind or the heart. Nothing feels right. My smiles are plastic and laughs, weary. Why is my head so messed up? I don't know what to do to make this better. People seem to piss me off all the time even if all they're trying to do is being nice or express how they feel. I told myself that I need a break, but really, how many times has that actually helped?

I need to recover. A lot has happened, and what I've mentioned is just a minor part of it. It's too much to take. I've forgotten how it feels like to be genuinely happy with your life. To smile from your heart and laugh till your intestines start popping out.  I miss that. 

I hope I find my happy place soon. Because this IS too much to take. And I have a little brain.

No wonder my brother calls me a 'birdbrain'. =/ Sigh.