i don't know

Why do we have friends? Seriously. I don't mind being alone rather than having friends who only want to be with you when you're hyper and bubbly and they want to laugh at your jokes. Even those people who you trust to actually genuinely want to be there for you, well yeah they genuinely don't like sharing your pain. They run away like you've got the plague.

Wait, what is a friend?
friend: a person you know well and regard with affection and trust.
but sometimes you wonder if you really know your friends. And are they worth regarding them with your trust?

I'm the kind of person who will generally not let out or discuss her problems with anyone, not even close friends. Noone knows what crap I have to go through every single day and that every moment in my life is a living hell. Fake smile, fake happiness, it always works in betraying the world.
And even in doing so, when I really, really need to vent, when I need some advice, when I can't just depend on my instinct and writing a blog doesn't necessarily help as much as a warm hug would, I don't have anywhere to go.
Some of the people I considered my closest friends, they are only so interested in my problems that at the faintest hint that I'm gonna break down, there's that important phonecall, that appointment, their mum shouting, their PC getting hanged, I don't wanna go on.

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth going out of your way to help someone when they wouldn't do the same for you. As much I have heard the cliche Give more expect less, I also think that's just easier said than done. I am NOT a saint and I don't have a heart made of gold that's up for charity. Even though I don't really expect anyone to be always there for me, when you really, really need someone, you expect them to be there for atleast that moment. To just give you a few consoling words. To smile at you and tell you that everything is going to be okay. And to just shut up for a moment and really listen to you. Is that too much to ask for?

Everytime I thought about how fake the world is but thanked god coz I have amazingly true faithful friends, I always got thwacked in the face for living a surreal world..like a hypothetical drama with hypothetical characters and unreal life where everyone just really loves you.

Yknow why I'm really, really mad? Maybe coz loneliness sucks. I have to face the fact that no matter how many people there are around me who claim to be true to me and say that they love me and maybe even mean it, I am always going to be alone. There isn't anyone, not one single effing person who has been to that li'l place deep down inside of me where there's this empty space..almost like vaccuum, its dark and..and its untouched.

What in the world am I ranting about right. I'm not really sure. Maybe it's 'change'. I hate change. It sucks. Change should effing stop being permanent and go throw itself off a cliff. and DIE. Why does everything change? Why do people change? Cant everything just be like it was when it was all good and everyone was happy? Nooo, everything has to get messed up. and you suddenly feel like you don't know the people that you thought you knew so well. Also, they should make a rule that your friends cannot get closer to your other friends than you. Its like, you do soo much for them, and then at some point, you're not good enough to deserve their time.
It's annoying as hell. And you can't just pretend that things weren't good. It's like they make you get used to them being there for you and then whoosh, they're gone with the wind (lack of a better/original phrase). And (I was going to add something here but I really forgot what I was going to say). Its just hardly fair.

So you know what, what I'm gonna do now?.. I don't know. FTW? =/
I need some redbull.